How to Support Someone Going Through a Difficult Time

Helping support a friend or family member going through a hard time can be challenging. It isn't easy to find the right words to say during difficult times. Whether you want to support someone going through grief, loss, mental or physical health challenges, or a difficult life transition, it is important to consider how you can provide meaningful support. After hearing from many patients, friends and family members, all of whom have faced periods of great challenge, I wanted to share what tends to be more or less helpful during difficult times:

Saying "I'm thinking of you," "I'm here for you" or "I wanted to check in"

These simple words can mean more than we may expect. Sending a text or calling with words like these can allow the person to know you are thinking of them, without the person having to answer "how are you?" yet again. It leaves the door open for answering more if they would like, while knowing they are supported if not.

Taking action, rather than putting it on the other person

We may mean well when we say things like "Please let me know if there is anything I can do." However for those going through a hard time, it may be too difficult to ask for things. Showing up and just doing can be one of the best ways to provide support to those who are struggling. Sending food, taking the person out, calling, or sending a card, rather than waiting for an ask, can make a big difference.

Listening and validating

People often feel immense discomfort sitting with someone's negative emotions. Yet the truth is, we usually can't solve this type of pain. By showing up and validating this person's feelings, such as saying "This is so painful," "I am so sorry" or "This is awful," you are providing more support than you may realize. Many people shift quickly to problem solving because it is uncomfortable to see a loved one in pain. However, it may feel invalidating when the focus is shifted immediately towards trying to "fix" a problem that can't be solved. 

Avoid toxic positivity

Similarly to wanting to fix another person's problems, when we use positivity to encourage someone to try to "see things on the bright side," it can feel invalidating. This isn't to say that there may not be opportunities for reflection or reframing; however, in the midst of a very difficult moment, turning toward the positive may not be what the person needs. Instead, I challenge you to mirror where this person is at and simply be with them in that moment.

Asking how they would like to be supported

It is true that no two people are alike in how they want to be supported. If you’re not sure whether this person would appreciate frequent check-ins, distraction, space, or something else, just ask! “How can I best support you right now?” can help you understand what they need. 

Many people find it uncomfortable to check in more than just the first time they hear upsetting news. However, if you are feeling discomfort, imagine how that person going through something incredibly heavy must be feeling. If this person is important to you, I recommend stepping into that discomfort and really showing up. Usually it is better to err on the side of being more supportive than less during difficult times. I commonly hear people say they are afraid they will upset the person by bringing something difficult up. The truth is, when it comes to loss, tragedy, illness or other difficult experiences, the person is already thinking about it quite often, and your bringing it up likely won't "remind" them of the bad thing that happened or is happening.

So send that text, make that call, run that errand for your friend or loved one- and if you are going through your own difficult period, it is okay to share with others how they may be able to best support you, even if that is different than the support they are currently providing. Or, feel free to share this article with them!